If you’re reading this, chances are your fantasy team needs some help. Star running back not playing the way you thought? Great late-round sleeper pick not panning out? Well my friends, I’m here to help.

Nowadays, it seems like every so-called pundit with a bachelor’s degree in journalism and a shred of football knowledge wants to give the world their own two cents about the world of fantasy football. It’s time I throw my hat into the ring.

In case you live under a rock (or clicked on this article by accident, in which case you probably didn’t even get this far), you should get what the point of this column is. Who should you play, who shouldn’t you play. There are going to be some guys who aren’t in “Start ‘Em” that should be. For instance, if you have Peyton Manning, you’re going to play Peyton Manning. If you need me to tell you that, this whole fantasy thing probably isn’t for you.

Anyway, let’s get started.

Start ‘Em: Quarterbacks

Philip Rivers, San Diego vs. Jacksonville: This should probably just be changed to “every single player on San Diego.” All of ‘em. If, for some reason, you own fourth-string wide receiver Seyi Ajirotutu, you should be playing him. The Jaguars are just that bad. They’ve given up 119 points in three games. Everybody’s gonna be scoring.

Kirk Cousins, Washington vs. New York Giants: Everybody is Kirk-crazy in DC right now, and I think he continues his hot streak against the Giants, who have a porous pass defense to say the least.

Sit ‘Em: Quarterbacks

Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay at Chicago: He’s been a bit of a disappointment this year, and while I think he’ll bounce back, this game isn’t it. Their last matchup was a defensive battle, and don’t expect a 48-yard bomb to salvage his performance this time around.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, Houston vs. Buffalo: Don’t be tempted by his 300-yard, one touchdown, one passing touchdown game against the Giants. Remember, that was the Giants. And he’s still Ryan Fitzpatrick, dammit. Don’t fall under his spell.

Peyton Manning, Brian Hoyer, Andy Dalton, Russell Wilson, Austin Davis, Carson Palmer/Drew Stanton: These guys (and every one of their teammates) is on bye. It should go without saying, but they shouldn’t be in your lineups.

Start ‘Em: Running Backs:

DeMarco Murray, Dallas vs. New Orleans: With injuries and legal troubles haunting so many of the top running backs, Murray has emerged as the best week-to-week option in the game. He has three straight games with 100 yards and a touchdown, and that won’t change this week.

Lamar Miller, Miami at Oakland: In terms of pure skill, Lamar Miller is mediocre at best. But who’s really going to take carries away from him? Knowshon Moreno is on the bench, and the Raiders run defense is so bad that I think Whitman’s junior varsity squad could probably go for at least 150 yards and 2 TD’s against them. God knows what varsity would do to these pirates gone bad. 

Sit ‘Em: Running Backs

Stevan Ridley, New England at Kansas City: Don’t do it. Don’t be the guy who says, “Hey, 45 touches in the last two games? He must be the workhorse now. I’ll start him.” He was my third round pick last year, and I scooped him off free agency this year, thinking the same thing. Bill Belichick is evil. Watch enough Patriots games and you’ll understand nobody in the backfield is consistent. The number of times I’ve needed just a few fantasy points, only to watch them go with five wide receivers and throw the ball on third-and-goal from the 1-yard-line, is more than enough to give me at least a few ulcers.

Steven Jackson, Atlanta at Minnesota: Last week he put up 54 yards and a touchdown. But did you know that S-Jax isn’t even the highest scoring running back on his own team? Anybody like to venture a guess as to who is higher-scoring? Nobody? It’s Antone Smith. Unless you’re in a keeper league and you’ve decided to hold on to him since 2009, there’s no reason he should be starting in a standard league. 

Start ‘Em: Wide Receivers

Jeremy Maclin, Philadelphia at San Francisco: I can proudly say I saw this coming. He’s been in my starting lineup since Week 1, and it’s a big reason why I’m 3-0. The 49ers have a reputation of having a strong defense, but this year they’ve given up the most fantasy points to receivers this year. Don’t overthink it.

Antonio Brown, Pittsburgh vs. Tampa Bay: This start should go without saying, but this holds a bit of sentimental value to me. Last week I was in a tough matchup against a strong team, and ended up by winning by .8 of a point. Why? My lovable idiot of a friend played Kendall Wright over Antonio Brown. He’s consistently a stud, and Julio Jones made Tampa look like B-CC’s defense.

Sit ‘Em: Wide Receivers

Allen Hurns, Jacksonville at San Diego: He had a big game against the Eagles (or two big catches), and as a result his numbers seem like they’re some of the best. But he’s essentially 2012’s Brian Hartline: big first few games that turn out to be flukes, yet people still unabashedly put their faith in the guy and pay the price. It’s not worth it.

Marques Colston, New Orleans at Dallas: As much as the 13-year-old version of me refuses to believe it, the superstars of my childhood are no longer superstars. I had a friend who remarked recently, “Have you noticed recently that the only time you hear about Marques Colston is when he does something wrong?” Pretty much. Don’t get distracted by his recognizable name. He’s getting old.

Tight Ends, Kickers, Defenses: Congrats! If you’ve made it this far into the article, you’re really desperate. Regardless, by now you probably hate me and wish I’d just shut up. Well for the record, the feeling is mutual. No need to bore you with more logic. The fact of the matter is, you shouldn’t have two tight ends, kickers, or defenses. If you do, drop everything and change that. There should be no decision-making here. You don’t need me to tell you what to do, just play your one guy.

Anyway, thanks for sticking around. I promise it’ll be shorter next week. And remember, just go with your gut. Don’t overthink things.

Until next week,

SVB