Nov. 28 marks Thanksgiving, a time for family bonding, turkey and a well-deserved break from school. But Thanksgiving also falls on the second night of Hannukkah this year, meaning that there’ll be a nice plate of latkes alongside my turkey. This is a magical occurrence which most of us will not live to see again, since it won’t happen for another 79,043 years.
In the spirit of this highly anticipated Judeo-American joint holiday, I’d like to take this moment to offer up a few fun and practical ideas for other holidays that should share a day in the year.
These are purely hypothetical of course, since unlike Jewish holidays, most of these days are blindly tethered to the rotation of the sun and are essentially stuck in the calendar. But, let’s just imagine:
1. Valentine’s Day & Halloween: Both holidays involve candy, but if Halloween fell on Valentine’s Day, people would get wickedly creative. I foresee trick-or-treating dates, zombie cupids and heart shaped pumpkins (farmers, get on that). Oh, and Valloween? Hallontine’s Day? Your choice.
2. Columbus Day & April Fool’s Day: Guess what everyone? Columbus discovered a new route to India! Ha! Let’s be honest, though. Columbus Day is already a big joke.
3. Cinco de Mayo & July Fourth: The fifth of May? The fourth of July? Mexican patriotism? The possibilities of cultural confusion are boundless. Let’s call it North America Day (Oh right, Canada! Um…they can have..uh). We can eat Mexican food and watch fireworks. I’m serious about this one guys.
4. New Year’s Eve & New Year’s Day: Try to wrap your head around this one, folks.
5. Mardi Gras & Groundhog Day: Picture Punxsutawney Phil being hoisted from his hole wearing glittering Mardi Gras beads, and then being carried around all day in a giant festive parade.
There are also a couple holiday mashups that I would absolutely dread. And the thought of ever having to celebrate these pairs of holidays together keeps me up many a night in sheer terror:
1. St. Patrick’s Day & Yom Kippur: If these two holidays ever fall on the same day, then we will see the already minuscule Irish Jewish population die out, due to massive alcohol intake on an empty stomach.
2. Mother’s Day & Father’s Day: This would be a complete disaster. There would be nobody to cook dinner, and households everywhere would descend into complete anarchy, as neither parent would feel the desire to keep order. Kids would rise up, resort to jungle-like warfare and burn down all of American suburbia.
Let us all hope that these holidays stay far away from each other. As for the first bunch, I’ll be crossing my fingers for a freak gravitational storm that knocks us out of our elliptical orbit, generating a delightfully warped calendar next year. Meanwhile, a very merry Thanksgivukkah to all.
