He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake; he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.

Yes. Santa can be a creeper, but what about mall Santas? Some people call them creepy old dudes. Some people still think they are real (my dad ruined that one for me at age five). Some people are “too-cool/cheap/tired of it/old” to get their picture with Santa anymore.

But just like you’re never too old to trick-or-treat, you’re never too old to wait in line behind snot-faced, crying children to get a picture with Santa and tell him exactly what or who you want for Christmas.

If you have plans to get a picture with Santa, remember to act your age (freshmen, be mature for once). No matter what silly faces the photographer makes or what baby-rattle they shake at you once you get to Santa, keep in mind that you’re at least double the age of all the other people waiting for a picture.

I’m your average Jewish-born, Hebrew school drop-out, Christmas-loving teenager who’s always celebrated a secular Christmas (in addition to the eight gift-filled nights of a pretty non-religious Hanukah). I didn’t get to sit on Santa’s lap at the mall until I was a teenager, so now it’s time to make up for the years I didn’t get to answer “What do you want for Christmas, little girl?”

However, before you answer the question, follow precautions to make sure your mall Santa experience doesn’t turn into the latest story they tell at the cyber bullying assembly.

First, if you’ve hit puberty (in the physical sense; yes, boys never do mature mentally), DON’T SIT ON SANTA’S LAP. Seriously! That’s why they have large arm chairs with large arm rests. Not only are mall Santas not used to the weight of a teenager on their lap, but you don’t want to have to worry about hand placement (both on your part and Santa’s).

Second, if you’re going to wait in line (a) commit to it and (b) stand there confidently. Yes, there will be many parents with young children who will judge you. But if you need a new profile picture for Facebook, rock the photo and make Tyra Banks proud.

Third, don’t wait in a ridiculously long line with thousands of small children. Then you really don’t have a life and may need more help than Santa can give you.

Fourth, go with no more than three other people so that you don’t overwhelm Santa. On some level you have to feel bad for the guy. He has to deal with small, annoying, whining and crying children infected with who knows how many and what kinds of germs. He most likely doesn’t get paid well and has to live with the fact that he is an obese man with a large white beard. Yikes.

Fifth, tell Santa exactly what or who you want for Christmas. If you want something tangible, your friends will hear about it while you tell Santa. Then they’ll know and you won’t get stuck with the standard sale item from Bath & Body Works.

If you want “that hot guy/girl from fifth period,” Santa won’t tell and hopefully you’ve already told your friends. Who knows? Santa could have really good romantic advice. He’s been in a committed relationship with Mrs. Claus since forever and I haven’t heard about any extramarital affairs in the North Pole.

I love Christmas more than any other season of the year. Don’t worry, I did wait until the morning after Thanksgiving until I set the radios to 97.1, put up my two-foot tall Christmas tree (my mom, sticking to her Jewish roots, won’t let me have a real one) and set up the lights in my room (I’m not allowed to put any outside). Happy Christma-Hannu-Kwanz-akah!

To see creepy mall Santas in action click here.