About three things I am absolutely certain. First, almost every teenage girl is either on Team Edward or Team Jacob. Second, every non-werewolf/vampire teenage male feels somewhat inadequate in comparison to the muscles of Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) or the luscious locks of Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). And third, I have absolutely no idea why the “Twilight” series has such a large (and sometimes insane) fan base.

Don’t assume that I’m just cynical. I tried to read the first book last year. I wanted to understand why the entire teenage female population was going crazy over a fictitious vampire, but I couldn’t make it past 250 pages. The writing was bad and the story was frustrating.

All I had read was “oh I want to touch Edward, but I can’t” over and over again. This is the twenty-first century. Girls take the initiative in relationships. Not Bella Swan though, because she has to wait for Edward to make the first move before becoming completely dependent on him. Sexist much?

If any good has come from the “Twilight” saga, it’s definitely the parody called “Nightlight” released Nov. 3, three weeks before the debut of “New Moon.”  The 154-page book, written by the Harvard Lampoon, a student humor magazine, pokes fun at the themes from the first book in the Stephenie Meyer series, and makes an excellent holiday gift for all those frustrated with their crazy lovesick family members.

The lol-worthy book is written from the perspective of Belle Goose (get the play-on-words?), who moves to Switchblade (rather than the original town of Forks) and falls in love with Edwart Mullen. But unlike “Twilight,” you can’t help but chuckle at Belle’s awkwardness and lack of social aptitude.

“I wondered how I’d express that on Facebook,” Bella Goose says about her new romance. “I’d have to change it from what it was before: ‘It’s complicated with a vampire.’”

The Lampoon satirizes teenage courtship (come on, you know how awkward you are when you see “the person with oh so many code names” that you think is your soul mate), the “Twilight” saga fans and the story itself.

So girls: this book will explain why I think the whole “Twilight” series is so ridiculous. If you’re a die-hard fan, don’t rain on my parade. We can agree to disagree.

And boys: sorry you aren’t as good-looking as Jacob Black. Honestly, few of you will ever be that attractive. But for those of you who were brave enough to watch “New Moon” with your girlfriends or were “forced” to see it with your family over Thanksgiving (we know you were curious), man up to it. Your bros may taunt you, so don’t tell them. Tell your lady friends though because most of us won’t judge, and may respect you even more.

So don’t ask Santa for anymore “Twilight” gear. The cardboard cut-out of Edward Cullen in your room is creepy enough.

Try reading “Nightlight.” It might suprise you with its humor.