Boys, take a bow. As if Bethesda needed another reason for being the Greatest Place On Earth (move over, Orlando), it’s official that we’ve got the hottest guys.

Yes, Totalbeauty.com has just declared Bethesda the top-ranking City With the Hottest Men. And with a domain name that carries the weight and importance of the journalistic tradition, it’s clear that this title is coming from an illustrious and completely credible source.

Just to be clear, I’m being sarcastic. Really, take a look at their reasons.

“Book smarts? Check. Healthy bank accounts? Check. Good physiques? Check. Few bad habits? Check,” reads Totalbeauty.com’s accompanying blurb. “The mix of military and government serves the men of Bethesda well.”

Huh? Well, to be honest, the only place I’ve ever seen a military man in this city is when the National Mapping Institute changes guard shifts.

And while they certainly do have nice physiques, sadly, I’m not so sure that the same holds true for Whitman’s guy population. Need proof? Visit any freshman gym class. I doubt that Totalbeauty.com dared to venture near there, let alone down the locker-room hallway. The gas mask costs were probably too high.

Still, the undisputedly wise Lifetime channel has taught me that a guy is only truly attractive if his mind is as hot as his body. And judging by the nonchalant eye roll that follows mention of “The Overachievers” and AP class sizes, in terms of book smarts, Whitman guys are

hotter than Ryan Reynolds. Repeated for emphasis, in terms of book smarts.

So with bodies and brains balancing out (generally poor and 44^th Best Public High School in the Nation, respectively), that leaves few bad habits and bankability as Bethesda’s claim to hot guy fame.

As longtime/two-month readers of this blog know, saying that guys have “few” bad habits is debatable. Between chair rattling, overusing “that’s what she said” and drawing out the word “wow” for far more syllables than it was ever intended, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that their lack of bad habits qualifies Whitman’s guys as the hottest.

What they’re missing in manners, most of Whitman’s boys (dads) make up for in bank account size. But weren’t we taught, way back when things like ethics mattered that there was more to a man than his wallet? And, call me crazy, but wouldn’t someone dating a guy solely for his money warrant “Gold Digger” to be hummed as she approached?

But who knows, maybe I just haven’t been watching “Real Housewives of New Jersey” enough.

Ultimately, taking all of these factors into consideration, I’m a little bit frightened. Because if Bethesda has the hottest guys in the nation, then what does this mean for the rest of the U.S.?