Dear Mike Shanahan,

First things first: welcome to D.C. big guy. Hopefully, you’re settled in and ready to get right to work after your wonderful nights on the town canoodling with Dan Snyder

Unfortunately, this year will be anything but easy for you. But hey, that’s D.C. in a nutshell. It’s the nation’s capital and all eyes are on you to rebuild the floundering Deadskins. Fortunately, you have me to guide you through it.

Evaluating the depth charts, you have as many problems to deal with as Coach Klein did in “The Waterboy.” You have no offensive line and now, with the Campbell-Portis dispute, no definite quarterback or running back. Sorry Mike; you may have been successful with the Broncos, but you don’t have a John Elway or Jake Plummer lying around at FedEx. You’re now coaching a really charismatic guy in Jason Candle. Too bad he can’t throw for his life and will never be a franchise quarterback. The team you’ve inherited reminds me of Spongebob Squarepants, it has way too many holes to fill.

Luckily, you have the fourth overall pick in the upcoming draft, which gives you a chance to spend a ridiculous amount of money on an unproven player. Maybe this time around we won’t draft a Patrick Ramsey, but maybe the brittle Sam Bradford, or perhaps the lovely Catholic school boy Jimmy Clausen? On the other hand, drafting an offensive lineman would be a logical decision. The Super Bowl-winning Redskins of the 90s dominated with the best offensive line around (a.k.a The Hogs). Now, the ‘Skins have a line with the cheapest guys available. For a team that has fans dressing up as old pig-loving women to represent their love for the O-line, the Redskins have to realize that there is something wrong with allowing 44 sacks on Mr. Candle. As for a defensive strategy, your main job is to keep Albert Haynesworth happy. If it means rubbing barbecue sauce on his injured leg while he sucks his thumb on a stretcher, then so be it. Fat Albert is the type of player who, if you let him off the leash rather than keep him on the sidelines, can and will perform effectively and become the playmaker that he used to be. This past season, Hayneworthless was a disgrace; he’s making $41 million guaranteed and he compiled a career-low 29 tackles and four sacks. Hiring Jim Haslett is a good first step in jump-starting the defense and making Albert a happy camper.

As we all know, everyone’s favorite owner always wants to stay ahead by attracting big names. However, I think you’ll be here for at least five years after the way he “lured” you this offseason with lifetime tickets to Six Flags (yet another franchise ruined by Snyder). So, unless Vince Lombardi gets resurrected, your spot is secured. Just do your job, motivate the team and bring a ring back to one of the most powerful football cities in America. Don’t worry, it’s not like your coaching one of the biggest fan-bases in America. No pressure.

Sincerely,

Daniel Royston