After the abortion

I’ve gone through a lot of things this year that were beyond my control. Losing my virginity wasn’t my choice, but losing my child was. It’s a decision that I’m going to carry for the rest of my life. I understand that it was barely even anything just yet. Don’t remind me that it was barely alive, just a body of cells. It was a being, half of me, half of someone I’m in love with: How could I not love them? It was a decision that took a lot of patience and a lot of heartbreak. Either decision was going to be painful. The decision came down to which one would be the responsible thing to do.

I’m only 18. I have my entire future ahead of me and a college dorm room I’m so excited to settle into in the fall. Having a child, especially now, would change the path I want to take. I wouldn’t even be able to take care of my child the way they deserved. It’s a decision I live by every day.

The sadness still comes in waves. Losing a child is something that I never thought I would have to do. This decision was one I never thought I would have to make. There are days where I’m okay with the decision. I know that it’s the one I needed to make. But there are days where the sadness hits like a tidal wave that crashes down, and I begin to drown. I can’t stop crying, I can’t breathe, I’m suffocating in my own mind. But in the end, I know that I did what was best. I did what I needed to do, and it was the responsible decision. It doesn’t make the pain any less difficult to deal with. I miss my child every day, even though I’ve never met them. Like the song “IDK you yet” by Alexander 23, I long for the day that I do. I meet them in my dreams sometimes. I hold them for a second until they disappear into thin air.