My teammates were hugging and crying on the turf. I wanted to cry, too — we had just lost the state semifinal. I would never get to play with the same team again; our season was over.
I’d been playing club field hockey for five years, but never felt such devastation from losing a game. Playing on club teams, I often found myself on edge and insecure about my skill level compared to my teammates. It felt like every athlete was there for personal gain rather than being part of a team. My teammates were constantly concerned with what team they would make next season, if they would commit to play field hockey in college or if they were playing well enough to move up the ranks.
After every club practice, I left wondering if my teammates thought I was good enough, worrying about whether my coach was impressed with how I played and fixating on every tiny mistake I made. I dreaded practices, and a lousy one would ruin my entire week. Even if my team won, I didn’t feel happy if I had a bad game. All my life, coaches and other adults emphasized that sports were about winning or losing as a team, but I didn’t feel that way. Club field hockey was a team sport with a mindset of individuality. With all the competitiveness and intensity around club sports, I never truly understood why winning as a team mattered.
Joining the Whitman field hockey team changed my perspective on the team mentality. Since we spent at least two hours a day together, the high school team grew close much faster than my club had, and even though I was still anxious, I always had fun at practice. The community atmosphere transformed how I saw myself and the game.
During my junior season, our team was very successful. We had only lost one game in the regular season, and before the state semifinals, we were ranked as the top team in the state. Students and teachers from Whitman came to our games to support us, and I loved being a part of a team that felt like it mattered.
Even though I still worried about how I played, I started caring more about the team’s performance rather than my own. If we lost, I would feel uneasy, even if I played well. During the playoffs, I wanted nothing more than for the team to win. I knew that if we were to lose, I would never play with the seniors I’d grown so close to ever again, and our season would be over. I wouldn’t get to see my teammates every single day. Every game, there was a possibility that our season would be over. Winning the county and regional championships was the happiest I had ever felt playing field hockey. No club game could have ever held that same significance.
When we eventually lost in the playoffs, I couldn’t fathom that it was over. Losing the state semifinals made me realize what truly wanting to win felt like. We had dominated most of our games, and losing that feeling of fulfillment was devastating. My days suddenly felt empty, not being around the same 20 girls every day.
Once I began playing for Whitman, field hockey no longer felt like a burden. I didn’t feel that I had to be better than everyone else, and it became an activity I looked forward to. I stopped competing against my teammates and started competing alongside them. Club field hockey may have taught me the technical skills of the sport, but playing for Whitman taught me what it means to be a teammate.
