Change the way you talk to people with anxiety

May 30, 2018

For me, anxiety is like my thoughts are a car that’s been set in park, but someone is pressing all the way on the gas pedal; everything is revving out of control, but I’m not making any progress. It’s like I’m trapped on a rollercoaster, and the seat belt is way too tight and I just want to get off. Saying this out loud makes me want to scream. Just writing it makes me sweat.

I’m telling you this because the mental health presentations, run by the Mental Illness Awareness Campaign Team at Whitman, didn’t say everything I think they should have. While I agreed with many of the statements on how to best communicate with someone who has anxiety, I think there’s a lot more to say. There’s a better way to address someone with anxiety that reminds them they’re bigger than the illness—but doesn’t pry too much, or say anything too artificial.

So many students walk around with the burden of anxiety: according to a Black & White survey conducted last year, 40 percent of Whitman students suffer from mental illnesses, while nationally that number is only 20 percent. And anxiety affects nearly 33 percent of the school.

Some people are going to be triggered by social situations, others by schoolwork and others by something more specific. To someone who doesn’t have anxiety, their reactions might seem ridiculous. But to someone with anxiety, it’s hard to control. The mental health presentations said this, but I’ll reiterate: in this situation, telling someone to just “calm down” or “stop overreacting” isn’t going to help them. In fact, it will probably only make them frustrated because they feel like they can’t do that.

Instead, someone should be reminded that they’re stronger than their anxiety. Tell them that what they’re feeling isn’t the reality. One of the most motivational things I’ve ever heard is that I can’t let anxiety live my life for me. If I feel like I can’t start my homework because it’s so overwhelming, I need someone—or hopefully someday just myself—to remind me that I can start my homework, and my anxiety is just trying to trick me.

My anxiety lives in me permanently, like the characters in the Disney movie “Inside Out.” The anxious voice is gruff, rude and cries a lot, and the normal voice is my normal, calm self. When the anxious voice is yelling at me, I need a way to remember I can overpower those feelings.

Saying things like, “Don’t worry, you’re not going to fail the test,” or “Everything is going to be fine” isn’t as effective as it sounds. Truthfully, everything might not be fine—there is no way to guarantee that it will be. It sounds sad, but it’s helpful. It’s in the person’s own power to to make sure that everything is going to be fine. Instead, say things like, “You can get through this,” or “You have the power to do this.” These statements are uplifting, and they give the person something to think about in that moment. Just saying, “You won’t fail this test” might just add to that person’s pressure because they want to please you.

Anxiety can be really difficult to deal with at Whitman. To truly help out a family member or friend that’s struggling, you have to be careful what you say. But, it’s possible to conquer bouts of anxiety—the person just needs some encouragement.

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