These days, all it takes to skyrocket to Youtube stardom is some clever editing gimmicks, some well-placed auto tune and a dash of good natured humor. So why am I not hopping on the bandwagon?

1. I can talk about the days of the week without being cyber-bullied. I don’t have to worry about whether to kick it in the front seat or the back — though I’d prefer the back.

2. I don’t need to create a disease to express my fans’ enthusiasm. I can understand Bieber Fever, but I’ve wracked my brain and can’t think of any known illness that rhymes with Kaplowitz.

3. The after effects of my dentist appointments aren’t posted on the internet for the world to see.

4. Embarrassing childhood experiences – like laughing at ripping paper or being frightened by someone blowing their nose – don’t follow me for the rest of my life.

5. I may enjoy experimentation in the kitchen, but my meals are “epic” based on taste, not how many things I can stuff in a deep fryer.

6. I’ll never have to regret impersonating an obnoxious talking fruit… or a shell named Marcel, for that matter.

7. I know what blood looks like, and I know how to deal with someone bleeding without going into broken-record mode. Yes, repeating “blood!” is obviously  useful to the situation, but it won’t help anyone’s healing in the long run.

8. Unlike Antoine Dodson and his family, there’s no one in my area climbing in my windows so fortunately I don’t have to hide my kids, hide my wife, or hide my husband. Score.

9. I have quick enough reflexes to know that during a robbery, it would be crazy to just back up out of there. But props to that lady for creativity – I know that I wouldn’t think to hide behind my hair when a robber approached.

10. If working at a place like King Burger, I, unlike Bon Qui Qui, would be able to master the most complicated of orders without having to call for “suh-cur-ity” to deal with the hassle.